New Years Day in the Bay

From a doctor reader that wanted to share his new years day in the bay…

It’s hard to look at death sometimes

Today was rougher than usual, 7am new years day blows. Hungover, tired, and grumpy, I wasn’t feelin’ the healin’ today. Instead of the usual wake everyone up, look for obvious signs of some sh*t going wrong, 10-30 seconds of chitchat and an exit, I let everyone sleep. I went back and talked to everyone when they were up, except for one.

My hospice patient.

Due to whatever inadequacies of the health care system and a healthy dose of denial with borderline stupidity syndrome, this 59 year-old man recently found out he had cancer. He had it bad.

He was alive today, sleeping. And I couldn’t bring my self to go back and talk to him when he was awake. It was a borderline conscious act that I only fully realized later.

A Gaunt, big bushy-bearded Jew looking straight out a concentration camp photo, I couldn’t deal. Waiting for him to die, I’d fought to get him emergency medical and had already set up his hospice care at a nursing home, and he was packed and ready for shipping the next day. You could see the look on everyone’s face who took care of him…..please don’t die here go somewhere else and do it.

F*ck. I like him.

The problem was that in spite of how sick he was and how bad he had it, he still wanted to live. I had been the one tell him a couple of days before that he was 100% terminal.

I hate having to answer his questions with “I’m gonna do everything I can to make you comfortable” when his eyes are saying “tell me I’m gonna get better.”

So today, I didn’t do it.